Alright, alright, alright.
So last night, I had the fantastic idea that I needed to stay off of the internet for awhile, as I feared that I was quite addicted and should thus rein that in ASAP. I was initially thinking that perhaps two days away would suffice my need to e-detox, but through discussing this plan with one of my very best friends, it was strongly suggested that nothing less than one full week would get this particular toxicity out of my system. I asked such questions as: "what about my divorce? can I work on my divorce?" (The paperwork is all generated online) and objected with "but what if something really important is emailed to me?".
Since I've procrastinated on the divorce paperwork for..........a long time now, really - would one more week make that big of a difference? Well......no............but.........
And are there any important emails that you are expecting in the next week, that you can't wait a week to respond to? Well.............I emailed the cello guy about lessons, and I want to hear back from him as soon as he replies, but.............not really life-threatening, I suppose.............I have no job applications out or anything.....................
*sigh* It was the sense of that icky-panicky feeling in my gut that I used to get when coming to the end of a bag of the green stuff, or when I had no more pop and no money to get more, or when anything I really passionately (if not desperately) desired was so obviously NOT happening in a timely enough fashion for me --- I got THAT feeling at the thought of being cut off from the world at large via the internet and so I figured that meant I was obviously addicted and needed to cut myself off cold turkey.
Of course, I went and immediately took all the necessary steps to bully myself into STAYING offline the full week. I told everyone on facebook what my plans were, I emailed a few people to let them know of my plans, and I even set up a "vacation response" to let anyone who emailed me know that I would be offline until next Tuesday, January 12th. I logged off last night around 12:30, just pleased as a pony in an apple orchard with myself for being so "healthy" and making this difficult decision.
Oh. My. God.
And then I woke up today, but refused to actually fully open my eyes and sit up until Mom came home for lunch at noon. Got the morning down - good job, Q.
I had lunch with Mom, read the Free Press, cheered out loud when I read that the bill that was passed last year requiring mental health parity from health insurance companies (meaning, mental health and addiction treatments are now covered in the same manner as physical disorders --- a HUGE step) is now in effect here in Minnesota, and talked to my beautiful dog Tyra.
By 1:00, I was down here in my cavern, writing in a journal (too unsure of my self-control to even turn on my computer so I could type), and by 1:30? I was in tears and having just the WORST time of things. All the old coping scenarios ran through my mind, none of which are actually helpful for longer than maybe 20 minutes. I wanted to talk to my best friend Ro, but with the geographic distance between us, I can't afford to phone her but once a year (on her birthday -- not until August). What I normally do when I need her input is to write to her - long, descriptive narratives that are the closest I can get to calling her up or heading over to her house for a hug and a vent session. I then also realized that even though basically everyone else in my life could simply pick up the phone and call me if they wanted to reach me, she couldn't. She calls ME once a year, on average, as well, and my birthday isn't until July. What if she needs to hear from me in the next week? Or am I simply being that self-important to think she'd perish or suffer without me to correspond with for 7 entire days?
I then started in with the "holy crap - you can't even go 24 hours without the internet? That's so pathetic, Q. Get a grip. Get a(nother) new hobby. Read one of the 15 books you have delved into that are littering this room, page corner bent down, book mark holding your spot, or book simply lying flat open, so you don't lose your place. Get on the treadmill." That last one exhausted me with just the formation of those words in my mind.
"I caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan't" my other internal voice whined. Me, myself & Q all know that what that really means is "I don't WANT to and you can't MAKE me - so piss off."
The silliest part of this whole predicament is that I did this entirely to myself. It was my idea. Once I had the situation set up so that I would feel obligated into following through - I freaked out. I KNOW this about myself and I STILL do it! I have joined probably 3 or 4 different health clubs in my life, thinking to myself -- "well, if I'm paying a monthly fee, I will certainly make myself go so I don't feel guilty for wasting the money".
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!
Oh if only that worked. That tactic has the exact OPPOSITE effect on me. Once I feel the pressure to go to the gym, I refuse. I shut down and won't even discuss it with myself any further. I WILL NOT be forced into working out, just because of the money. I even pull out the economic concept of a "sunk cost" -- you know, where the money is already gone, either way, so why add additional pain and suffering of doing something I don't want to do? That just increases the total cost, overall.
Guilt is really an extremely ineffective motivational tactic. So is obligation or pressure -- from society, from family, from your peers, or from yourself. It's like forcing an addict into treatment. Even if that addict jumps through the required hoops and stays sober for the duration, graduating with flying colors at the end of his/her stay ---- if it isn't something personally desired, none of that will stick or be assimilated within. It's pointless.
Anyway - I discussed this predicament with my mom and then later on, with my dad as well, and they both said the same thing: "Who is running your life, anyway?"
Ummmm.....me?
"Isn't this another example of your black and white approach to life?"
Oh......
So through these discussions, I realized that I was not accomplishing the intended goal by staying offline for a full week. It isn't the internet that is such an issue for me. There are completely beneficial uses for the internet. Staying logged on to crackbook 24/7, even though I always have 3-4 other tabs open? Yeah - that's a bit much. A lot much, actually. I also realized that going cold turkey - banishing all internet from my life for 7 full days -- that's not really in line with the whole "balance" or "moderation" concept I'm working on. As Mom said, "that's like putting yourself on a diet and allowing ZERO cookies the entire time. Of course we all know what happens -- you deprive yourself, you crave it more, and then you either scrap the diet with a box of cookies, or once the diet is over, you then eat the box of cookies." It's really self-defeating.
As it turns out -- I DID have an email waiting for me from the cello teacher - one I'm happy to have received today instead of next Tuesday (as he asked about setting up an introductory lesson next Tuesday evening) AND I also got an important email from RoRo -- one I'm glad I received today instead of next week.
The new and modified plan, therefore, is to attempt to set boundaries for myself with the crackbooking. I will do what I need to do and want to do while online, but I will not keep myself logged in "just because". Let's see how this whole "moderation" concept plays out.........Never a dull moment!
Love you all~
~Q~
No comments:
Post a Comment