February 2nd and I'm finally moving into the room I'm technically occupying. That's only - what - five and a half months of couch surfing in my mom and dad's home, where I grew up?
Not too shabby, Q, not too shabby. :)
I worked for probably five and a half hours, listening to the Cirque du Soleil soundtrack for "Varekai", which is achingly beautiful in a way that flies high above the various languages it speaks. I cleaned off the big dresser, which was definitely my sister's and before that I believe was my Grandma and Gran'pa Nelson's. Up until today, it had served primarily as a dumping ground for unopened mail, various hats, and a few things that Emily didn't move out with her when she left home many years ago. Now, it's much more in line with me. I also cleaned my highboy dresser, I cleaned the corner shelves and put all my books away, cleaned off the desk and even put several photos in new frames.
I'll post photos of my reorganized room when I get to that point. Right now, half of the room is in that awful middle stage, where things are strewn all over the middle of the floor. Mostly paperwork. :)
When I started this blog post, several hours ago, I was needing a break. I made the mistake of filing through a file folder entitled "Jason". My first Love got a Xerox box for all the 5 1/2 years of our sentiments. Jason got a file folder. A fat one, but not a box. It's either the 3 years vs. the 5 1/2 years, or perhaps I stopped collecting every little thing as I got a bit older. My husband and I actually lived together, too, so there wasn't nearly as many letters or notes to document our relationship.
Anyway - the point is -- that file folder: I wasn't expecting the reaction I had while looking through it. The times I'd go through the original break-up box, which generally happened about once a year, whenever I'd be getting ready to move -- my heart would ache and I'd generally end up crying. I don't really have many of those things left, as I was guilted into throwing away so very many things that had to do with my life prior to meeting Jason. Naturally, a similar sadness would be a reaction I would maybe expect from my first time really sifting through my estranged-husband memorabilia. What happened, however, was much more unexpected.
I literally and quite physically got nauseous. I had to put the folder away without quite finishing the perusal, close my eyes and breathe slowly and deeply so I didn't upchuck all over the carpet. Ew. I did not see that one coming.
Nor did I expect faint waves of sickness to return at the very thought of the things I read tonight. Gotta go - making curtains & watching "When Harry Met Sally". Much less volatile.
Love to you all,
~Q~
Showing posts with label stuff stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stuff stuff. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Weekly Reader + the Usual (ramblings)
Well, well, well.
So it seems that once you sincerely figure out what it is in life that will help move you towards happiness - AND (here's the kicker) actually rely on yourself and go after that elusive state of being - holy crap kids - apparently it's real.
WaitWhat?
I know, right? How else can one explain how my entire existence got so flipped upside down and inside out in such a short period of time. For awhile, after leaving the mr., I felt guilty. Not that I did anything wrong - I didn't. I finally took care of my own well-being and it's been the best damn idea I've ever followed through with to-date. No - I felt guilty for NOT feeling guilty for leaving my husband. I was happy and grateful and beyond finished with that entire way of living. Still - I always thought divorces were so sad, and no matter how "not-quite-perfect" the relationship was, it would always be really difficult.
I've changed my mind. Getting to the point where leaving was a preferred option - that was one of the hardest things I've survived. I mean - wow. Just when I thought I'd hit bottom and things wouldn't get worse -- yep.
"Just kidding! You thought THAT sucked!?! Wait 'til we see what's behind door number 3!"
Once I had actually made up my mind that I needed to change my situation and change it FAST, it didn't suck as much as I had anticipated. It was actually quite freeing. I cut my long hair off, no longer concerned with his opinion. I reconnected with old friends. I walked through the nearest wooded park every day - particularly loving it when autumn came. I hung out with Tyra & my cats. After a few months, I started heading out again & I met the most incredible group of friends.
So ok - I'm still legally married, so I guess I can't say it was "easy" to finalize the divorce (since I haven't done that quite yet), but that's because I'm so busy creating -- music, words, memories, friendships, & the Life I actually WANT -- I forget I'm still legally bound to a man who I haven't spoken to in months. Basically, I'm just too uninterested in going through my finances to finish the paperwork and I don't have any international rendezvous planned before 2012 (hiking the Inca trail with Ro, Heather & her kids, & ????????) so I'm not in any giant hurry. The reason that travel plans even matter (just realized how random that previous idea must've seemed) is because my passport never did get changed from my maiden name to my married name, so I have to legally reclaim my Q before crossing any borders. Unless it's between counties. Or states. Or cities. Or social mores.
The point I intended to write about when I started is this: Just this past August, I was completely miserable. I was living in a tiny town in southern Minnesota, where the only person I actually knew was my husband. Throughout the previous 3-4 years, I had gone through a massive mental breakdown that landed me in the hospital more than a handful of times in maybe a year to a year and a half. I fell in love and married a man who enthralled me because his energy was even stronger than mine, and he joked that his crazy could out-crazy my crazy under the table.
Helpful Hint: When someone tells you something important like this early in a relationship - they mean it. You should actually believe that. Another one I've heard is "you should run from me right now. I forgot how cool you are and how much I don't want to hurt you, but I think I will". Good call dude. Hind sight is 20/20, it's almost true. In that case though - he freakin' TOLD me what was up and I completely overrode the warning in my gut. Oops. You mean he was serious? Hm. Who knew?
Since I've long been convinced that my eventual partner-in-crime will be either a crazy conductor or a mad scientist (perhaps somehow both?) - the crazy thing intrigued me. Not gonna lie - it still does. Something about hitting 30 though -- I don't want to be crazy my entire life and I know I'm not going to be in this life forever. Been there, done that - what's next?
So I'm writing. And some girl friends and I just recently started a band -- it's called That's What She Said and it's already clicking into place beyond expectations. And I'm riding again - with the bruises to prove it. I should take a picture of the one from Saturday, when one of the horses I teach lessons on -Buddy the paint Quarter Horse - he got a bit bored of going so slow (beginner lesson) - he reached around when I was adjusting stirrup leathers and grabbed onto my arm with his teeth. That hurt - I have this pretty black 'n' blue half-circle on my upper arm. Ok - let's see if this works.......
Yeah --------> OUCH.
It's alright though - it was completely worth it. I think back to before August 20th and how insanely different my life was then from my life now.
#1 - I'm happy. Never thought it could happen. Pleased to be wrong.
#2 - I don't have to hide any of my injuries, because they aren't frowned upon (either because they were given to me by someone who never should have laid an ill-hand on me - or self-inflicted cuts that only served as short-lived eyes in that crazy-ass hurricane of yours truly during those years).
#3 - I was GIVEN A HORSE. On the day that I met him, by some people that I had only met maybe 30 minutes earlier because he & I clicked that well. The previous owners wanted him to go somewhere where he would be just doted upon. They/he chose wisely. I certainly do that.
#4 - I was given a keyboard. A nice one. Within 30 minutes of me putting mention on facebook. I named her Eirene. I have awesome friends.
#5 - I have awesome friends.
I'm pretty sure that this post is even longer than my usual ramblings. If you've managed to read this far -- bravo. Lemme know if you'd be interested in reading my memoir when I get that one finished. It's looking to be quite interesting. At least to me. :)
Which reminds me. The ENTIRE purpose for this post, at least as I had originally thought: my great new friend, Esther Marcella, hosts this radio show on KMSU, where she interviews writers. She knows that I write, and when she found that I write this blog, she asked me to be on her show.
Sure! So I'm told it's 10 minutes of reading work of mine and 10 minutes of Q & A, and she's already asked my permission to question my reason for starting this blog in the first place. I said "most certainly and of course". Abusive relationships and mental health issues and really unhealthy ways of coping with the stress that we ALL struggle with at some level or another --- not talking about it when it's been so integral in who I am today would be remiss. I have no intention of wallowing for the rest of my life -- continuing to classify myself as a victim when I know damn well that I am just as strong, just as brilliant, and just as beautiful as you are. Yeah you. We all are strong, brilliant and beautiful. So yes - I will talk about it openly. And I will NOT be returning to re-experience that chapter in my life ever again.
Wrap it up, Ms. Minnesota-Good-bye............
Alright. Later Gators. :)
Love you all,
~Q~
So it seems that once you sincerely figure out what it is in life that will help move you towards happiness - AND (here's the kicker) actually rely on yourself and go after that elusive state of being - holy crap kids - apparently it's real.
WaitWhat?
I know, right? How else can one explain how my entire existence got so flipped upside down and inside out in such a short period of time. For awhile, after leaving the mr., I felt guilty. Not that I did anything wrong - I didn't. I finally took care of my own well-being and it's been the best damn idea I've ever followed through with to-date. No - I felt guilty for NOT feeling guilty for leaving my husband. I was happy and grateful and beyond finished with that entire way of living. Still - I always thought divorces were so sad, and no matter how "not-quite-perfect" the relationship was, it would always be really difficult.
I've changed my mind. Getting to the point where leaving was a preferred option - that was one of the hardest things I've survived. I mean - wow. Just when I thought I'd hit bottom and things wouldn't get worse -- yep.
"Just kidding! You thought THAT sucked!?! Wait 'til we see what's behind door number 3!"
Once I had actually made up my mind that I needed to change my situation and change it FAST, it didn't suck as much as I had anticipated. It was actually quite freeing. I cut my long hair off, no longer concerned with his opinion. I reconnected with old friends. I walked through the nearest wooded park every day - particularly loving it when autumn came. I hung out with Tyra & my cats. After a few months, I started heading out again & I met the most incredible group of friends.
So ok - I'm still legally married, so I guess I can't say it was "easy" to finalize the divorce (since I haven't done that quite yet), but that's because I'm so busy creating -- music, words, memories, friendships, & the Life I actually WANT -- I forget I'm still legally bound to a man who I haven't spoken to in months. Basically, I'm just too uninterested in going through my finances to finish the paperwork and I don't have any international rendezvous planned before 2012 (hiking the Inca trail with Ro, Heather & her kids, & ????????) so I'm not in any giant hurry. The reason that travel plans even matter (just realized how random that previous idea must've seemed) is because my passport never did get changed from my maiden name to my married name, so I have to legally reclaim my Q before crossing any borders. Unless it's between counties. Or states. Or cities. Or social mores.
The point I intended to write about when I started is this: Just this past August, I was completely miserable. I was living in a tiny town in southern Minnesota, where the only person I actually knew was my husband. Throughout the previous 3-4 years, I had gone through a massive mental breakdown that landed me in the hospital more than a handful of times in maybe a year to a year and a half. I fell in love and married a man who enthralled me because his energy was even stronger than mine, and he joked that his crazy could out-crazy my crazy under the table.
Helpful Hint: When someone tells you something important like this early in a relationship - they mean it. You should actually believe that. Another one I've heard is "you should run from me right now. I forgot how cool you are and how much I don't want to hurt you, but I think I will". Good call dude. Hind sight is 20/20, it's almost true. In that case though - he freakin' TOLD me what was up and I completely overrode the warning in my gut. Oops. You mean he was serious? Hm. Who knew?
Since I've long been convinced that my eventual partner-in-crime will be either a crazy conductor or a mad scientist (perhaps somehow both?) - the crazy thing intrigued me. Not gonna lie - it still does. Something about hitting 30 though -- I don't want to be crazy my entire life and I know I'm not going to be in this life forever. Been there, done that - what's next?
So I'm writing. And some girl friends and I just recently started a band -- it's called That's What She Said and it's already clicking into place beyond expectations. And I'm riding again - with the bruises to prove it. I should take a picture of the one from Saturday, when one of the horses I teach lessons on -Buddy the paint Quarter Horse - he got a bit bored of going so slow (beginner lesson) - he reached around when I was adjusting stirrup leathers and grabbed onto my arm with his teeth. That hurt - I have this pretty black 'n' blue half-circle on my upper arm. Ok - let's see if this works.......
Yeah --------> OUCH.
It's alright though - it was completely worth it. I think back to before August 20th and how insanely different my life was then from my life now.
#1 - I'm happy. Never thought it could happen. Pleased to be wrong.
#2 - I don't have to hide any of my injuries, because they aren't frowned upon (either because they were given to me by someone who never should have laid an ill-hand on me - or self-inflicted cuts that only served as short-lived eyes in that crazy-ass hurricane of yours truly during those years).
#3 - I was GIVEN A HORSE. On the day that I met him, by some people that I had only met maybe 30 minutes earlier because he & I clicked that well. The previous owners wanted him to go somewhere where he would be just doted upon. They/he chose wisely. I certainly do that.
#4 - I was given a keyboard. A nice one. Within 30 minutes of me putting mention on facebook. I named her Eirene. I have awesome friends.
#5 - I have awesome friends.
I'm pretty sure that this post is even longer than my usual ramblings. If you've managed to read this far -- bravo. Lemme know if you'd be interested in reading my memoir when I get that one finished. It's looking to be quite interesting. At least to me. :)
Which reminds me. The ENTIRE purpose for this post, at least as I had originally thought: my great new friend, Esther Marcella, hosts this radio show on KMSU, where she interviews writers. She knows that I write, and when she found that I write this blog, she asked me to be on her show.
Sure! So I'm told it's 10 minutes of reading work of mine and 10 minutes of Q & A, and she's already asked my permission to question my reason for starting this blog in the first place. I said "most certainly and of course". Abusive relationships and mental health issues and really unhealthy ways of coping with the stress that we ALL struggle with at some level or another --- not talking about it when it's been so integral in who I am today would be remiss. I have no intention of wallowing for the rest of my life -- continuing to classify myself as a victim when I know damn well that I am just as strong, just as brilliant, and just as beautiful as you are. Yeah you. We all are strong, brilliant and beautiful. So yes - I will talk about it openly. And I will NOT be returning to re-experience that chapter in my life ever again.
Wrap it up, Ms. Minnesota-Good-bye............
Alright. Later Gators. :)
Love you all,
~Q~
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Dabbling - fun to say AND fun to do! Doesn't pay too well though....
Can I just be a professional dabbler? Because I'm extremely satisfied and content and happy with basically everything that is going on in my life, but I don't get paid for almost any of it, and at this rate, I'll still be living with my poor parents when I'm 35. Maybe 40. Um....not ideal. For any of us.
It's not that I'm not productive - I'm quite active in my dabbling. You should see my planner - it looks like I actually work and have meetings and other non-interesting-type things. The only thing is - all of MY events are all interesting things I have planned for myself but only one of these weekly events pays me any money. Trust me - it's not enough to live off of.
So how do you people do it? How do you make enough money to support yourselves and not want to slit your throats from obligations and the sense that you aren't living life the way it was meant to be lived? Or is that even a problem for anyone else but me? Money is not even the slightest bit motivating for me in its own right. I have zero interest in dropping any of my hobbies, but I also can't imagine also picking up a "real job" while still being able to maintain #1 - my new-found sanity and #2 - all these awesome activities and events and interests I'm dabbling in. There are just so many hours in the day and this lady also really enjoys sleeping.
Dabble. Dabble. Dabble. That's a funny word. I like it.
Here's a sampling of what I've got various toes dipped in at the moment:
* Lyric -- my amazing, wonderfully intelligent, incredibly sensitive horse who was gifted to me maybe 6 weeks ago. He & I have been hanging out as often as possible, and the ONLY time he didn't hold it against me when I missed a day of visiting him was when I had that terrible cold for a solid week or so AND I made a point to visit him while still partially sick, so he would comprehend why I had gone AWOL for so long (meaning like 3 days in a row). Any other time I've missed even a single day, I've gotten the rump when I go to see him again and he gets stubborn about quite a few things. Like walking next to me. Or letting me hug him. Or even accepting my treats. I'm not joking - he's got SUCH a personality and the guy is maybe even more sensitive than me. Maybe. :)
* Tyra, Trinity & Maya -- I feel bad lumping them all together when Lyric got his own category, but for the sake of brevity, that's just how it shall be. The point is, the other animals that call me "mom" also need daily attention. They're more forgiving than the horse, but I feel bad when I can't spend as much time with Tyra. I've brought her to the barn a few times, which she quite enjoys, but the cold isn't too kind on her aging bones, either, and she becomes quite the 80 pound lap dog around Lyric, which would make riding quite difficult. The cats only really get pissy with me if I stay out all night, since night is when we always cuddle. They let me know when they're mad though, either by throwing up, peeing on my clothes, meowing loudly at me and weaving around my legs upon my return, or a combination of all of the above.
* Writing -- In addition to the MASS quantities of journaling I feel remiss without engaging in, there's also the memoir I'm working on. My writing group meets once a month, so that keeps me more on task, but I still have quite a bit of work to do on that bad boy. Quite a bit. Then there's this blog, which I also don't keep nearly as updated as I would like to, at least in an ideal world, where I'm not ONLY Superwoman, but also Queen Goddess of the Universe in Q-form.
* Music -- I'm pretty good at supporting all my musician friends by attending many of their performances, but even that is getting to be more difficult, with so many of my friends BEING musicians and therefore having shows at conflicting times & dates. I can only be in one place (at least physically) at once so.....it's a juggling act at times. My weekends are insanely busy. Then - the big commitment in this category is the band a few of my girlfriends and I have recently started -- That's What She Said. I have much music writing to accomplish and I want to get it all done yesterday. :) Oh then there's the cello I've been craving. I found a probable teacher in South Minneapolis, but due to a lack of funds, I have to wait until at least next month to be able to rent a cello and start learning my souls-instrument. Boo.
* Friends! -- Before leaving my husband and moving back to Kato, I sincerely believed I had no friends. What? Why? I know -- it seems insane now. I don't really even have enough time in a day to keep updated on all that is going on with everyone that I care about, much less keeping tabs on which of my friends know what about my life and keeping all interested parties updated. I apologize to you guys for being so scattered - life is speeding up at an exponential rate and I can barely keep tabs on all that's going on in my own life. Good thing I'm blissfully happy (since almost everything keeping me busy are things that I truly want in my life) or I'd most likely be back in the hospital with at least one new batch of scars.
* Riding lessons -- This is the one that actually pays me. Far from being enough to live off of, it does help keep my animals in treats and me in "going out to see my friends play live music and going out to coffee or lunch" money. So that's good. I teach beginner riding lessons to two lovely college-age ladies each Saturday - it's fun and I think I'll be adding at least one other student in February.
* Physical health -- I've been working out with my mom several days a week - she utilizes the treadmill and I rock the elliptical. I would really love to run the inaugural marathon in Mankato next fall......so there's that. I've been dropping weight since moving home, but I think I've hit the plateau of what's just going to melt off due to happiness vs. misery. Time to actually watch what I eat and exercise. Oh - which reminds me -- fire swings. :) I am now part of the Good Cooks dance company, and we're looking at putting on a show in June, and part of the show will consist of fire-swinging. I've been swinging fire now for probably 5-6 years, but I had quite the hiatus in there when my wrist was broken, so I need to muscle up on that and practice on a much more regular basis.
* I know I'm forgetting things. Oh - the divorce. Duh. That still hasn't happened and it needs to. Grad school application and all the financial paperwork that goes along with that. My finances. Don't get me started because I'm almost-successfully avoiding this train of thought and tonight is not the time for me to delve into that one. The dozen books or so that I'm in the middle of reading. The fact that the government is beginning to push me to get my ass back to work sooner vs. later -- I'm working with a local employment agency so I don't get booted off of my disability before I'm ready and able to deal with that. Being a good friend - friendships take time to nurture and I'm all about it.
That's enough, right? I may even be forgetting more things I'm working on, but that list alone is enough to push me close enough to the edge of the "icky panicky feeling" that notoriously sets me off down the path I'm trying so hard to steer clear of. (That would be the path of self-destruction, if you were wondering.)
Hm. Alright - well - 2 a.m. and I'm wide awake (since I took a several-hour nap this evening), so perhaps I'll dabble in something quiet and yet productive. Memoir it is. :)
Dabble.
Love to you all,
~Q~
It's not that I'm not productive - I'm quite active in my dabbling. You should see my planner - it looks like I actually work and have meetings and other non-interesting-type things. The only thing is - all of MY events are all interesting things I have planned for myself but only one of these weekly events pays me any money. Trust me - it's not enough to live off of.
So how do you people do it? How do you make enough money to support yourselves and not want to slit your throats from obligations and the sense that you aren't living life the way it was meant to be lived? Or is that even a problem for anyone else but me? Money is not even the slightest bit motivating for me in its own right. I have zero interest in dropping any of my hobbies, but I also can't imagine also picking up a "real job" while still being able to maintain #1 - my new-found sanity and #2 - all these awesome activities and events and interests I'm dabbling in. There are just so many hours in the day and this lady also really enjoys sleeping.
Dabble. Dabble. Dabble. That's a funny word. I like it.
Here's a sampling of what I've got various toes dipped in at the moment:
* Lyric -- my amazing, wonderfully intelligent, incredibly sensitive horse who was gifted to me maybe 6 weeks ago. He & I have been hanging out as often as possible, and the ONLY time he didn't hold it against me when I missed a day of visiting him was when I had that terrible cold for a solid week or so AND I made a point to visit him while still partially sick, so he would comprehend why I had gone AWOL for so long (meaning like 3 days in a row). Any other time I've missed even a single day, I've gotten the rump when I go to see him again and he gets stubborn about quite a few things. Like walking next to me. Or letting me hug him. Or even accepting my treats. I'm not joking - he's got SUCH a personality and the guy is maybe even more sensitive than me. Maybe. :)
* Tyra, Trinity & Maya -- I feel bad lumping them all together when Lyric got his own category, but for the sake of brevity, that's just how it shall be. The point is, the other animals that call me "mom" also need daily attention. They're more forgiving than the horse, but I feel bad when I can't spend as much time with Tyra. I've brought her to the barn a few times, which she quite enjoys, but the cold isn't too kind on her aging bones, either, and she becomes quite the 80 pound lap dog around Lyric, which would make riding quite difficult. The cats only really get pissy with me if I stay out all night, since night is when we always cuddle. They let me know when they're mad though, either by throwing up, peeing on my clothes, meowing loudly at me and weaving around my legs upon my return, or a combination of all of the above.
* Writing -- In addition to the MASS quantities of journaling I feel remiss without engaging in, there's also the memoir I'm working on. My writing group meets once a month, so that keeps me more on task, but I still have quite a bit of work to do on that bad boy. Quite a bit. Then there's this blog, which I also don't keep nearly as updated as I would like to, at least in an ideal world, where I'm not ONLY Superwoman, but also Queen Goddess of the Universe in Q-form.
* Music -- I'm pretty good at supporting all my musician friends by attending many of their performances, but even that is getting to be more difficult, with so many of my friends BEING musicians and therefore having shows at conflicting times & dates. I can only be in one place (at least physically) at once so.....it's a juggling act at times. My weekends are insanely busy. Then - the big commitment in this category is the band a few of my girlfriends and I have recently started -- That's What She Said. I have much music writing to accomplish and I want to get it all done yesterday. :) Oh then there's the cello I've been craving. I found a probable teacher in South Minneapolis, but due to a lack of funds, I have to wait until at least next month to be able to rent a cello and start learning my souls-instrument. Boo.
* Friends! -- Before leaving my husband and moving back to Kato, I sincerely believed I had no friends. What? Why? I know -- it seems insane now. I don't really even have enough time in a day to keep updated on all that is going on with everyone that I care about, much less keeping tabs on which of my friends know what about my life and keeping all interested parties updated. I apologize to you guys for being so scattered - life is speeding up at an exponential rate and I can barely keep tabs on all that's going on in my own life. Good thing I'm blissfully happy (since almost everything keeping me busy are things that I truly want in my life) or I'd most likely be back in the hospital with at least one new batch of scars.
* Riding lessons -- This is the one that actually pays me. Far from being enough to live off of, it does help keep my animals in treats and me in "going out to see my friends play live music and going out to coffee or lunch" money. So that's good. I teach beginner riding lessons to two lovely college-age ladies each Saturday - it's fun and I think I'll be adding at least one other student in February.
* Physical health -- I've been working out with my mom several days a week - she utilizes the treadmill and I rock the elliptical. I would really love to run the inaugural marathon in Mankato next fall......so there's that. I've been dropping weight since moving home, but I think I've hit the plateau of what's just going to melt off due to happiness vs. misery. Time to actually watch what I eat and exercise. Oh - which reminds me -- fire swings. :) I am now part of the Good Cooks dance company, and we're looking at putting on a show in June, and part of the show will consist of fire-swinging. I've been swinging fire now for probably 5-6 years, but I had quite the hiatus in there when my wrist was broken, so I need to muscle up on that and practice on a much more regular basis.
* I know I'm forgetting things. Oh - the divorce. Duh. That still hasn't happened and it needs to. Grad school application and all the financial paperwork that goes along with that. My finances. Don't get me started because I'm almost-successfully avoiding this train of thought and tonight is not the time for me to delve into that one. The dozen books or so that I'm in the middle of reading. The fact that the government is beginning to push me to get my ass back to work sooner vs. later -- I'm working with a local employment agency so I don't get booted off of my disability before I'm ready and able to deal with that. Being a good friend - friendships take time to nurture and I'm all about it.
That's enough, right? I may even be forgetting more things I'm working on, but that list alone is enough to push me close enough to the edge of the "icky panicky feeling" that notoriously sets me off down the path I'm trying so hard to steer clear of. (That would be the path of self-destruction, if you were wondering.)
Hm. Alright - well - 2 a.m. and I'm wide awake (since I took a several-hour nap this evening), so perhaps I'll dabble in something quiet and yet productive. Memoir it is. :)
Dabble.
Love to you all,
~Q~
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