A few photos from the dog park the other day

a common view for Q

You Could Be Mine

The opening scene of the movie that is my life this very afternoon.

I went on a walk with Tyra this afternoon again. Yes, it's really cold out and yes, there was more snow on the ground. The good thing about being out in this particular weather is that you are far less likely to run into another human being whilst dancing around in an "empty" park, to music that only you are currently privy to.


The above photo was actually taken maybe 2 days ago, but I basically looked just like this again today. :) White hoodie though. 'Cause you know - I'm spicy like that with my flashy wardrobe.


Hey look - it's me again.

Ok. So back to my story. When we get to this, the most glorious part of the walk, I take Tyra off of her leash and let her have at the snow banks. She is never more happy than when she is able to sniff any piss spots unhindered by me, the leash, and my concept of "walking". We don't necessarily have the same behavioral patterns when it comes to this concept, so when we're both unhinged and able to meander near one another, things work even better for us.

It's freezing cold outside. As in 5 degrees, negative 6 degrees "Real Feel". I left the house at 4:00, so I bet it was maybe 3-4 degrees warmer, but still. By the time I left the park, I was quite aware of the feeling of my stiff jeans - the ones two sizes too big for me - touching my red frozen thighs underneath. Those of you who have experienced this pre-frostbite feeling know what I'm talking about. It's weird. I didn't even feel when my phone vibrated in my back pocket to tell me I had received a text message. That's one frozen ass. Brr.

Anyway. Since I'm quite recently obsessed with Guns 'N' Roses all over again, with the acquisition of their "Greatest Hits" album, I was of course doing the snake dance all through the park, with a less dramatic version for those parts of the walk that take us through neighborhoods and prying windows. The front half of the park is pretty much all wooded - not with the massive pines like they have up north, but the ones that host the prettiest colors each and every autumn. There are a few trails through there that I like to mosey on through. Something about the woods - maybe I was a wood fairy in a past life. :) Or Paul Bunyan.

I also quite enjoy the big ring around the open field at the other end of the park - especially where there are again trees. It just occurred to me that I really am, literally, a tree-hugger. How did I not realize this before now? Hm. Interesting.....interesting...........

But maybe not as interesting to you, so I'll try better to stay on track with this story. Tyra is following her nose from pee-spot to pee-spot, I'm listening to "Civil War" through my headphones and dancing my ass off down the powdered path. I wish I would've brought a camera. You could see my slippery dancin' footprints in the snow behind me.

As I'm singing harmony along to one of Slash's many guitar solos and alternatively pretending to be Axl Rose, complete with arm movements and swinging hips, to accompany the oh-so-rockin' vocals. Because - let's face it, people. One cannot properly rock out to Guns 'N' Roses without plenty of dramatic facial expressions, dancing, screeching, and half-whispered phrases like "patience..." or "what's so civil about war, anyway?" On a good day, I can even do the whistling. It's a bit more difficult when your face is frozen.

So there I am, completely in my own world, twirling about, singing like I was either alone in my room, or singing karaoke with my friends who are generally rocking along from their chairs. Mid-twirl, I notice there's an older gentleman on the path just ahead of me. Brown Carhartt jacket, one of those sweet grandpa hats with the ear flaps - down even - and a walking stick of some sort. He had obviously seen me before I noticed him. I wonder how long I had been amusing this guy.

I put Tyra back on her leash to pass him, and pulled one of my earphones out of my head, so I could also hear if he said anything to me. It occurred to me that in the past, I would've been quite embarrassed in a similar situation. Simultaneously, it also occurred to me that I sincerely was not. Not worried about it in the very least. I may have appeared strange to this guy who was probably nearing his 70's, but I doubt very highly that my singing and dancing was disturbing to stumble upon during a walk. I would love that, if I had run into it. Can you imagine? A world where we all wander around singing and dancing if the mood strikes? Sweet.

As I passed the man who has lived more than twice as long as I have, I made eye contact and we smiled at each other. I said "you're one of the brave ones - to be out in this". He smiled bigger and replied "you are too - one of the brave ones". Maybe it's just me, but I don't think he was talking only about the weather.

I grinned back at him and put my other headphone on just as "You Could Be Mine" came through. There was no need to pause and discuss - just two human beings, sharing a few smiles as we both continued on our respective paths. It was cool. Thought you might like that story too.

Love,

~Q~

Weekly Reader + the Usual (ramblings)

Well, well, well.

So it seems that once you sincerely figure out what it is in life that will help move you towards happiness - AND (here's the kicker) actually rely on yourself and go after that elusive state of being - holy crap kids - apparently it's real.

WaitWhat?

I know, right? How else can one explain how my entire existence got so flipped upside down and inside out in such a short period of time. For awhile, after leaving the mr., I felt guilty. Not that I did anything wrong - I didn't. I finally took care of my own well-being and it's been the best damn idea I've ever followed through with to-date. No - I felt guilty for NOT feeling guilty for leaving my husband. I was happy and grateful and beyond finished with that entire way of living. Still - I always thought divorces were so sad, and no matter how "not-quite-perfect" the relationship was, it would always be really difficult.

I've changed my mind. Getting to the point where leaving was a preferred option - that was one of the hardest things I've survived. I mean - wow. Just when I thought I'd hit bottom and things wouldn't get worse -- yep.

"Just kidding! You thought THAT sucked!?! Wait 'til we see what's behind door number 3!"

Once I had actually made up my mind that I needed to change my situation and change it FAST, it didn't suck as much as I had anticipated. It was actually quite freeing. I cut my long hair off, no longer concerned with his opinion. I reconnected with old friends. I walked through the nearest wooded park every day - particularly loving it when autumn came. I hung out with Tyra & my cats. After a few months, I started heading out again & I met the most incredible group of friends.

So ok - I'm still legally married, so I guess I can't say it was "easy" to finalize the divorce (since I haven't done that quite yet), but that's because I'm so busy creating -- music, words, memories, friendships, & the Life I actually WANT -- I forget I'm still legally bound to a man who I haven't spoken to in months. Basically, I'm just too uninterested in going through my finances to finish the paperwork and I don't have any international rendezvous planned before 2012 (hiking the Inca trail with Ro, Heather & her kids, & ????????) so I'm not in any giant hurry. The reason that travel plans even matter (just realized how random that previous idea must've seemed) is because my passport never did get changed from my maiden name to my married name, so I have to legally reclaim my Q before crossing any borders. Unless it's between counties. Or states. Or cities. Or social mores.

The point I intended to write about when I started is this: Just this past August, I was completely miserable. I was living in a tiny town in southern Minnesota, where the only person I actually knew was my husband. Throughout the previous 3-4 years, I had gone through a massive mental breakdown that landed me in the hospital more than a handful of times in maybe a year to a year and a half. I fell in love and married a man who enthralled me because his energy was even stronger than mine, and he joked that his crazy could out-crazy my crazy under the table.

Helpful Hint: When someone tells you something important like this early in a relationship - they mean it. You should actually believe that. Another one I've heard is "you should run from me right now. I forgot how cool you are and how much I don't want to hurt you, but I think I will". Good call dude. Hind sight is 20/20, it's almost true. In that case though - he freakin' TOLD me what was up and I completely overrode the warning in my gut. Oops. You mean he was serious? Hm. Who knew?

Since I've long been convinced that my eventual partner-in-crime will be either a crazy conductor or a mad scientist (perhaps somehow both?) - the crazy thing intrigued me. Not gonna lie - it still does. Something about hitting 30 though -- I don't want to be crazy my entire life and I know I'm not going to be in this life forever. Been there, done that - what's next?

So I'm writing. And some girl friends and I just recently started a band -- it's called That's What She Said and it's already clicking into place beyond expectations. And I'm riding again - with the bruises to prove it. I should take a picture of the one from Saturday, when one of the horses I teach lessons on -Buddy the paint Quarter Horse - he got a bit bored of going so slow (beginner lesson) - he reached around when I was adjusting stirrup leathers and grabbed onto my arm with his teeth. That hurt - I have this pretty black 'n' blue half-circle on my upper arm. Ok - let's see if this works.......

Yeah --------> OUCH.




It's alright though - it was completely worth it. I think back to before August 20th and how insanely different my life was then from my life now.

#1 - I'm happy. Never thought it could happen. Pleased to be wrong.

#2 - I don't have to hide any of my injuries, because they aren't frowned upon (either because they were given to me by someone who never should have laid an ill-hand on me - or self-inflicted cuts that only served as short-lived eyes in that crazy-ass hurricane of yours truly during those years).

#3 - I was GIVEN A HORSE. On the day that I met him, by some people that I had only met maybe 30 minutes earlier because he & I clicked that well. The previous owners wanted him to go somewhere where he would be just doted upon. They/he chose wisely. I certainly do that.

#4 - I was given a keyboard. A nice one. Within 30 minutes of me putting mention on facebook. I named her Eirene. I have awesome friends.

#5 - I have awesome friends.

I'm pretty sure that this post is even longer than my usual ramblings. If you've managed to read this far -- bravo. Lemme know if you'd be interested in reading my memoir when I get that one finished. It's looking to be quite interesting. At least to me. :)

Which reminds me. The ENTIRE purpose for this post, at least as I had originally thought: my great new friend, Esther Marcella, hosts this radio show on KMSU, where she interviews writers. She knows that I write, and when she found that I write this blog, she asked me to be on her show.

Sure! So I'm told it's 10 minutes of reading work of mine and 10 minutes of Q & A, and she's already asked my permission to question my reason for starting this blog in the first place. I said "most certainly and of course". Abusive relationships and mental health issues and really unhealthy ways of coping with the stress that we ALL struggle with at some level or another --- not talking about it when it's been so integral in who I am today would be remiss. I have no intention of wallowing for the rest of my life -- continuing to classify myself as a victim when I know damn well that I am just as strong, just as brilliant, and just as beautiful as you are. Yeah you. We all are strong, brilliant and beautiful. So yes - I will talk about it openly. And I will NOT be returning to re-experience that chapter in my life ever again.

Wrap it up, Ms. Minnesota-Good-bye............

Alright. Later Gators. :)

Love you all,

~Q~

I'm going with....Moth......

One of my very best friends in the world took this photo just this past weekend. Her name is Heather Handyside and even though I already know she's a great photographer, I'm always pleasantly surprised when I see her latest images. I'm told this is a moth, because she had to wait forEVER for it to open up it's wings for a good photo. I briefly looked for what it's name is, but I was quickly overwhelmed and obviously in over my head, so let's just say it's a Moth. With a capital M.

We'll (hopefully) return to Moth down the page. I don't think these posts out ahead of time. I just start typing and go with it. This photo struck me when I first saw it (and when I look at it again) and I actually said "holy shit" out loud when I got to it in the online photo album. So - let's see where we go, shall we?

You know you're on the right track when things in your life are flowing so smoothly, it's hard to keep all your loved ones updated on the latest and greatest. :) That's my way of apologizing for not writing a post for over a week, by the way.

Since I was blown away by the Monsters of Folk show in Minneapolis, life just continues on getting better and better. The very next day, I met with the woman who is leading this - I don't even know what it's called - this class about self-growth, basically. We took the STRONG inventory several weeks ago, and she had each of us come in to go over the results one-to-one. The STRONG inventory, if you are unaware of this (as I was) asks you a bunch of questions to see what you're interested in and then it matches you up with possible career paths that you would probably enjoy. It's based on comparing your answers with the answers of others who are happy in each of these fields. The woman who I met with, the group facilitator, I also happened to graduate from high school with. We weren't friends over there at West. We ran in entirely different circles and if you had told me that we'd end up having SO much in common, I wouldn't have believed it. Not for a second.

Since I've actually figured out what I want to do with my career, we compared the results of this assessment with what I'm looking at (which is Equine Facilitated Mental Health) and lo and behold - it fits. :)

We spent the next hour or so just talking about everything else that is important in life. Although I'm enjoying the 10 week class she facilitates, I'm really looking forward to the end of it so she and I can actually be friends. Right now, that's an obvious conflict of interest, so we just don't go there. Anyway - this woman (who I will not name at this point) - she told me about this place in town here that I had never heard of before. It's called the Hope Interfaith Center and already - I'm madly in love with the place. I don't even know how to explain how cool this place is, or how at home I felt being there. If I wasn't fairly used to surreal experiences, it might've even freaked me out a bit, going to my first service this morning. Not even taking into account the vibe in the room that was so warm and inviting, friendly and - well - logical, to me - the service itself somehow managed to address the issues I've always had with the Christian church that I've always known (and I mean all Christian churches here - not the specific church I grew up in, which I still quite adore) - but without me giving any input, here was the type of service that addressed these unspoken issues. Apparently I'm not the only one who has taken similar issues before.

For example: Communion. It has always irked me in just the slightest way that we needed an ordained intermediary to "be forgiven" by God. Not only do I have issues with the concept of "sin", but I also have problems with the idea of not being to talk it through with God without someone with a degree coaching me along, telling me what God says. Isn't it supposed to be a personal relationship? Ok - well, anyway. I realize that I'm probably offending at least half of my friends and family, if not because they're Christians, then because they're atheists or at least agnostic. I can't honestly apologize for that and mean it, however, because this is my authentic journey. It doesn't have to be something you agree with for it be valid to me. And these are all real, honest thoughts and emotions. If you've known me for any amount of time, you already know that I have no filter on my words, so none of this should really be that shocking to you.

Anyway - communion at the Hope Interfaith Center was totally different. We ALL blessed, or consecrated, the bread. There was no talk of it becoming the body of Jesus, but there was room for that interpretation, should that be your belief. Once the prayer was said, we passed the baskets of bread along each row, each taking a piece and then passing it on to our neighbor. I liked that. A lot. It was like partaking in a family feast and feeling grateful for all that Earth gives to us. Awesome. There was no wine and it wasn't needed.

So that's just one example of the differences I noticed. Do you remember a few weeks ago, when I talked about how no language could possibly encapsulate the feeling you get inside when you meet someone for the first time and you've always known them? That's what this was like. It was like walking into a crowd of maybe 50-60 people (I didn't count - the chapel place was full though) and immediately feeling... at home. I had to leave directly after the service was over, because my mom's choir was singing at our own church today, along with a visiting choir, so I wanted to see that. I'm glad I did - they did a fantastic job. :) Still - my gut was not wanting to leave when I did, and I had to silence my instincts and remind myself that I could go back again, and that it wasn't cool of me to be selfish. My family is very important to me and I wanted to be there to support both Mom and Dad. Dad was playing in the band. He also did a fantastic job. Great job parents, great job. :)

So what does this all have to do with Moth up there? Good question. Maybe it has to do with trying to classify what Moth really is. I saw it and instantly thought it was a butterfly. Heather informed me otherwise, and when I went online to find The Truth about Moth, I faced so many choices - all with similarities and obvious differences, but none quite fitting my Moth here. Perhaps it doesn't matter how you classify the Spirit or God or what have you in the Universe. It's still beautiful and it can still cause your heart to swell with Love in an instant. That's good stuff. I'm excited for the future and yet I'm entirely content right here, sitting on the couch with my little laptop, good music streaming, my cats hanging out with me, and that darn caffeine keeping me up too late, yet again. :) It doesn't get much better than this.

much love,

~Q~