Weekly Reader + the Usual (ramblings)

Well, well, well.

So it seems that once you sincerely figure out what it is in life that will help move you towards happiness - AND (here's the kicker) actually rely on yourself and go after that elusive state of being - holy crap kids - apparently it's real.

WaitWhat?

I know, right? How else can one explain how my entire existence got so flipped upside down and inside out in such a short period of time. For awhile, after leaving the mr., I felt guilty. Not that I did anything wrong - I didn't. I finally took care of my own well-being and it's been the best damn idea I've ever followed through with to-date. No - I felt guilty for NOT feeling guilty for leaving my husband. I was happy and grateful and beyond finished with that entire way of living. Still - I always thought divorces were so sad, and no matter how "not-quite-perfect" the relationship was, it would always be really difficult.

I've changed my mind. Getting to the point where leaving was a preferred option - that was one of the hardest things I've survived. I mean - wow. Just when I thought I'd hit bottom and things wouldn't get worse -- yep.

"Just kidding! You thought THAT sucked!?! Wait 'til we see what's behind door number 3!"

Once I had actually made up my mind that I needed to change my situation and change it FAST, it didn't suck as much as I had anticipated. It was actually quite freeing. I cut my long hair off, no longer concerned with his opinion. I reconnected with old friends. I walked through the nearest wooded park every day - particularly loving it when autumn came. I hung out with Tyra & my cats. After a few months, I started heading out again & I met the most incredible group of friends.

So ok - I'm still legally married, so I guess I can't say it was "easy" to finalize the divorce (since I haven't done that quite yet), but that's because I'm so busy creating -- music, words, memories, friendships, & the Life I actually WANT -- I forget I'm still legally bound to a man who I haven't spoken to in months. Basically, I'm just too uninterested in going through my finances to finish the paperwork and I don't have any international rendezvous planned before 2012 (hiking the Inca trail with Ro, Heather & her kids, & ????????) so I'm not in any giant hurry. The reason that travel plans even matter (just realized how random that previous idea must've seemed) is because my passport never did get changed from my maiden name to my married name, so I have to legally reclaim my Q before crossing any borders. Unless it's between counties. Or states. Or cities. Or social mores.

The point I intended to write about when I started is this: Just this past August, I was completely miserable. I was living in a tiny town in southern Minnesota, where the only person I actually knew was my husband. Throughout the previous 3-4 years, I had gone through a massive mental breakdown that landed me in the hospital more than a handful of times in maybe a year to a year and a half. I fell in love and married a man who enthralled me because his energy was even stronger than mine, and he joked that his crazy could out-crazy my crazy under the table.

Helpful Hint: When someone tells you something important like this early in a relationship - they mean it. You should actually believe that. Another one I've heard is "you should run from me right now. I forgot how cool you are and how much I don't want to hurt you, but I think I will". Good call dude. Hind sight is 20/20, it's almost true. In that case though - he freakin' TOLD me what was up and I completely overrode the warning in my gut. Oops. You mean he was serious? Hm. Who knew?

Since I've long been convinced that my eventual partner-in-crime will be either a crazy conductor or a mad scientist (perhaps somehow both?) - the crazy thing intrigued me. Not gonna lie - it still does. Something about hitting 30 though -- I don't want to be crazy my entire life and I know I'm not going to be in this life forever. Been there, done that - what's next?

So I'm writing. And some girl friends and I just recently started a band -- it's called That's What She Said and it's already clicking into place beyond expectations. And I'm riding again - with the bruises to prove it. I should take a picture of the one from Saturday, when one of the horses I teach lessons on -Buddy the paint Quarter Horse - he got a bit bored of going so slow (beginner lesson) - he reached around when I was adjusting stirrup leathers and grabbed onto my arm with his teeth. That hurt - I have this pretty black 'n' blue half-circle on my upper arm. Ok - let's see if this works.......

Yeah --------> OUCH.




It's alright though - it was completely worth it. I think back to before August 20th and how insanely different my life was then from my life now.

#1 - I'm happy. Never thought it could happen. Pleased to be wrong.

#2 - I don't have to hide any of my injuries, because they aren't frowned upon (either because they were given to me by someone who never should have laid an ill-hand on me - or self-inflicted cuts that only served as short-lived eyes in that crazy-ass hurricane of yours truly during those years).

#3 - I was GIVEN A HORSE. On the day that I met him, by some people that I had only met maybe 30 minutes earlier because he & I clicked that well. The previous owners wanted him to go somewhere where he would be just doted upon. They/he chose wisely. I certainly do that.

#4 - I was given a keyboard. A nice one. Within 30 minutes of me putting mention on facebook. I named her Eirene. I have awesome friends.

#5 - I have awesome friends.

I'm pretty sure that this post is even longer than my usual ramblings. If you've managed to read this far -- bravo. Lemme know if you'd be interested in reading my memoir when I get that one finished. It's looking to be quite interesting. At least to me. :)

Which reminds me. The ENTIRE purpose for this post, at least as I had originally thought: my great new friend, Esther Marcella, hosts this radio show on KMSU, where she interviews writers. She knows that I write, and when she found that I write this blog, she asked me to be on her show.

Sure! So I'm told it's 10 minutes of reading work of mine and 10 minutes of Q & A, and she's already asked my permission to question my reason for starting this blog in the first place. I said "most certainly and of course". Abusive relationships and mental health issues and really unhealthy ways of coping with the stress that we ALL struggle with at some level or another --- not talking about it when it's been so integral in who I am today would be remiss. I have no intention of wallowing for the rest of my life -- continuing to classify myself as a victim when I know damn well that I am just as strong, just as brilliant, and just as beautiful as you are. Yeah you. We all are strong, brilliant and beautiful. So yes - I will talk about it openly. And I will NOT be returning to re-experience that chapter in my life ever again.

Wrap it up, Ms. Minnesota-Good-bye............

Alright. Later Gators. :)

Love you all,

~Q~

Dabbling - fun to say AND fun to do! Doesn't pay too well though....

Can I just be a professional dabbler? Because I'm extremely satisfied and content and happy with basically everything that is going on in my life, but I don't get paid for almost any of it, and at this rate, I'll still be living with my poor parents when I'm 35. Maybe 40. Um....not ideal. For any of us.

It's not that I'm not productive - I'm quite active in my dabbling. You should see my planner - it looks like I actually work and have meetings and other non-interesting-type things. The only thing is - all of MY events are all interesting things I have planned for myself but only one of these weekly events pays me any money. Trust me - it's not enough to live off of.

So how do you people do it? How do you make enough money to support yourselves and not want to slit your throats from obligations and the sense that you aren't living life the way it was meant to be lived? Or is that even a problem for anyone else but me? Money is not even the slightest bit motivating for me in its own right. I have zero interest in dropping any of my hobbies, but I also can't imagine also picking up a "real job" while still being able to maintain #1 - my new-found sanity and #2 - all these awesome activities and events and interests I'm dabbling in. There are just so many hours in the day and this lady also really enjoys sleeping.

Dabble. Dabble. Dabble. That's a funny word. I like it.


Here's a sampling of what I've got various toes dipped in at the moment:

* Lyric -- my amazing, wonderfully intelligent, incredibly sensitive horse who was gifted to me maybe 6 weeks ago. He & I have been hanging out as often as possible, and the ONLY time he didn't hold it against me when I missed a day of visiting him was when I had that terrible cold for a solid week or so AND I made a point to visit him while still partially sick, so he would comprehend why I had gone AWOL for so long (meaning like 3 days in a row). Any other time I've missed even a single day, I've gotten the rump when I go to see him again and he gets stubborn about quite a few things. Like walking next to me. Or letting me hug him. Or even accepting my treats. I'm not joking - he's got SUCH a personality and the guy is maybe even more sensitive than me. Maybe. :)

* Tyra, Trinity & Maya -- I feel bad lumping them all together when Lyric got his own category, but for the sake of brevity, that's just how it shall be. The point is, the other animals that call me "mom" also need daily attention. They're more forgiving than the horse, but I feel bad when I can't spend as much time with Tyra. I've brought her to the barn a few times, which she quite enjoys, but the cold isn't too kind on her aging bones, either, and she becomes quite the 80 pound lap dog around Lyric, which would make riding quite difficult. The cats only really get pissy with me if I stay out all night, since night is when we always cuddle. They let me know when they're mad though, either by throwing up, peeing on my clothes, meowing loudly at me and weaving around my legs upon my return, or a combination of all of the above.

* Writing -- In addition to the MASS quantities of journaling I feel remiss without engaging in, there's also the memoir I'm working on. My writing group meets once a month, so that keeps me more on task, but I still have quite a bit of work to do on that bad boy. Quite a bit. Then there's this blog, which I also don't keep nearly as updated as I would like to, at least in an ideal world, where I'm not ONLY Superwoman, but also Queen Goddess of the Universe in Q-form.

* Music -- I'm pretty good at supporting all my musician friends by attending many of their performances, but even that is getting to be more difficult, with so many of my friends BEING musicians and therefore having shows at conflicting times & dates. I can only be in one place (at least physically) at once so.....it's a juggling act at times. My weekends are insanely busy. Then - the big commitment in this category is the band a few of my girlfriends and I have recently started -- That's What She Said. I have much music writing to accomplish and I want to get it all done yesterday. :) Oh then there's the cello I've been craving. I found a probable teacher in South Minneapolis, but due to a lack of funds, I have to wait until at least next month to be able to rent a cello and start learning my souls-instrument. Boo.

* Friends! -- Before leaving my husband and moving back to Kato, I sincerely believed I had no friends. What? Why? I know -- it seems insane now. I don't really even have enough time in a day to keep updated on all that is going on with everyone that I care about, much less keeping tabs on which of my friends know what about my life and keeping all interested parties updated. I apologize to you guys for being so scattered - life is speeding up at an exponential rate and I can barely keep tabs on all that's going on in my own life. Good thing I'm blissfully happy (since almost everything keeping me busy are things that I truly want in my life) or I'd most likely be back in the hospital with at least one new batch of scars.

* Riding lessons -- This is the one that actually pays me. Far from being enough to live off of, it does help keep my animals in treats and me in "going out to see my friends play live music and going out to coffee or lunch" money. So that's good. I teach beginner riding lessons to two lovely college-age ladies each Saturday - it's fun and I think I'll be adding at least one other student in February.

* Physical health -- I've been working out with my mom several days a week - she utilizes the treadmill and I rock the elliptical. I would really love to run the inaugural marathon in Mankato next fall......so there's that. I've been dropping weight since moving home, but I think I've hit the plateau of what's just going to melt off due to happiness vs. misery. Time to actually watch what I eat and exercise. Oh - which reminds me -- fire swings. :) I am now part of the Good Cooks dance company, and we're looking at putting on a show in June, and part of the show will consist of fire-swinging. I've been swinging fire now for probably 5-6 years, but I had quite the hiatus in there when my wrist was broken, so I need to muscle up on that and practice on a much more regular basis.

* I know I'm forgetting things. Oh - the divorce. Duh. That still hasn't happened and it needs to. Grad school application and all the financial paperwork that goes along with that. My finances. Don't get me started because I'm almost-successfully avoiding this train of thought and tonight is not the time for me to delve into that one. The dozen books or so that I'm in the middle of reading. The fact that the government is beginning to push me to get my ass back to work sooner vs. later -- I'm working with a local employment agency so I don't get booted off of my disability before I'm ready and able to deal with that. Being a good friend - friendships take time to nurture and I'm all about it.

That's enough, right? I may even be forgetting more things I'm working on, but that list alone is enough to push me close enough to the edge of the "icky panicky feeling" that notoriously sets me off down the path I'm trying so hard to steer clear of. (That would be the path of self-destruction, if you were wondering.)

Hm. Alright - well - 2 a.m. and I'm wide awake (since I took a several-hour nap this evening), so perhaps I'll dabble in something quiet and yet productive. Memoir it is. :)

Dabble.

Love to you all,

~Q~

Balance, moderation....I'll get it one of these days

Alright, alright, alright.

So last night, I had the fantastic idea that I needed to stay off of the internet for awhile, as I feared that I was quite addicted and should thus rein that in ASAP. I was initially thinking that perhaps two days away would suffice my need to e-detox, but through discussing this plan with one of my very best friends, it was strongly suggested that nothing less than one full week would get this particular toxicity out of my system. I asked such questions as: "what about my divorce? can I work on my divorce?" (The paperwork is all generated online) and objected with "but what if something really important is emailed to me?".

Since I've procrastinated on the divorce paperwork for..........a long time now, really - would one more week make that big of a difference? Well......no............but.........

And are there any important emails that you are expecting in the next week, that you can't wait a week to respond to? Well.............I emailed the cello guy about lessons, and I want to hear back from him as soon as he replies, but.............not really life-threatening, I suppose.............I have no job applications out or anything.....................

*sigh* It was the sense of that icky-panicky feeling in my gut that I used to get when coming to the end of a bag of the green stuff, or when I had no more pop and no money to get more, or when anything I really passionately (if not desperately) desired was so obviously NOT happening in a timely enough fashion for me --- I got THAT feeling at the thought of being cut off from the world at large via the internet and so I figured that meant I was obviously addicted and needed to cut myself off cold turkey.

Of course, I went and immediately took all the necessary steps to bully myself into STAYING offline the full week. I told everyone on facebook what my plans were, I emailed a few people to let them know of my plans, and I even set up a "vacation response" to let anyone who emailed me know that I would be offline until next Tuesday, January 12th. I logged off last night around 12:30, just pleased as a pony in an apple orchard with myself for being so "healthy" and making this difficult decision.

Oh. My. God.

And then I woke up today, but refused to actually fully open my eyes and sit up until Mom came home for lunch at noon. Got the morning down - good job, Q.

I had lunch with Mom, read the Free Press, cheered out loud when I read that the bill that was passed last year requiring mental health parity from health insurance companies (meaning, mental health and addiction treatments are now covered in the same manner as physical disorders --- a HUGE step) is now in effect here in Minnesota, and talked to my beautiful dog Tyra.

By 1:00, I was down here in my cavern, writing in a journal (too unsure of my self-control to even turn on my computer so I could type), and by 1:30? I was in tears and having just the WORST time of things. All the old coping scenarios ran through my mind, none of which are actually helpful for longer than maybe 20 minutes. I wanted to talk to my best friend Ro, but with the geographic distance between us, I can't afford to phone her but once a year (on her birthday -- not until August). What I normally do when I need her input is to write to her - long, descriptive narratives that are the closest I can get to calling her up or heading over to her house for a hug and a vent session. I then also realized that even though basically everyone else in my life could simply pick up the phone and call me if they wanted to reach me, she couldn't. She calls ME once a year, on average, as well, and my birthday isn't until July. What if she needs to hear from me in the next week? Or am I simply being that self-important to think she'd perish or suffer without me to correspond with for 7 entire days?

I then started in with the "holy crap - you can't even go 24 hours without the internet? That's so pathetic, Q. Get a grip. Get a(nother) new hobby. Read one of the 15 books you have delved into that are littering this room, page corner bent down, book mark holding your spot, or book simply lying flat open, so you don't lose your place. Get on the treadmill." That last one exhausted me with just the formation of those words in my mind.

"I caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan't" my other internal voice whined. Me, myself & Q all know that what that really means is "I don't WANT to and you can't MAKE me - so piss off."

The silliest part of this whole predicament is that I did this entirely to myself. It was my idea. Once I had the situation set up so that I would feel obligated into following through - I freaked out. I KNOW this about myself and I STILL do it! I have joined probably 3 or 4 different health clubs in my life, thinking to myself -- "well, if I'm paying a monthly fee, I will certainly make myself go so I don't feel guilty for wasting the money".

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!

Oh if only that worked. That tactic has the exact OPPOSITE effect on me. Once I feel the pressure to go to the gym, I refuse. I shut down and won't even discuss it with myself any further. I WILL NOT be forced into working out, just because of the money. I even pull out the economic concept of a "sunk cost" -- you know, where the money is already gone, either way, so why add additional pain and suffering of doing something I don't want to do? That just increases the total cost, overall.

Guilt is really an extremely ineffective motivational tactic. So is obligation or pressure -- from society, from family, from your peers, or from yourself. It's like forcing an addict into treatment. Even if that addict jumps through the required hoops and stays sober for the duration, graduating with flying colors at the end of his/her stay ---- if it isn't something personally desired, none of that will stick or be assimilated within. It's pointless.

Anyway - I discussed this predicament with my mom and then later on, with my dad as well, and they both said the same thing: "Who is running your life, anyway?"

Ummmm.....me?

"Isn't this another example of your black and white approach to life?"

Oh......

So through these discussions, I realized that I was not accomplishing the intended goal by staying offline for a full week. It isn't the internet that is such an issue for me. There are completely beneficial uses for the internet. Staying logged on to crackbook 24/7, even though I always have 3-4 other tabs open? Yeah - that's a bit much. A lot much, actually. I also realized that going cold turkey - banishing all internet from my life for 7 full days -- that's not really in line with the whole "balance" or "moderation" concept I'm working on. As Mom said, "that's like putting yourself on a diet and allowing ZERO cookies the entire time. Of course we all know what happens -- you deprive yourself, you crave it more, and then you either scrap the diet with a box of cookies, or once the diet is over, you then eat the box of cookies." It's really self-defeating.

As it turns out -- I DID have an email waiting for me from the cello teacher - one I'm happy to have received today instead of next Tuesday (as he asked about setting up an introductory lesson next Tuesday evening) AND I also got an important email from RoRo -- one I'm glad I received today instead of next week.

The new and modified plan, therefore, is to attempt to set boundaries for myself with the crackbooking. I will do what I need to do and want to do while online, but I will not keep myself logged in "just because". Let's see how this whole "moderation" concept plays out.........Never a dull moment!

Love you all~

~Q~