NOT OK

I knew I should've written earlier in the day. A mere 45 minutes ago, I was content and happy. Not even an hour later, and I'm already to the point of needing to stop every 5 seconds, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and tell myself "it's ok, it's ok, it's ok". At least I'm not crouched in a fetal position, rocking back and forth I guess. There is that.

Because it's not ok. It's SO NOT OK.

The man I have an Order for Protection filed against, my legal husband, the man I actually thought I missed a few nights ago, the man who is so damn mentally ill, he doesn't KNOW he's sick anymore, the man who I found out actually TERRIFIES me without the protection of those thick, Kasota-stone walls I have built around my vulnerable soul - I just found out that as of tomorrow morning, he's free to wander about on the streets, continue to get high whenever he feels like it, and perhaps hurt somebody. Whether that's himself, someone else he knows, some stranger, or ME - I cannot believe this is happening.

All "authorities" say their "hands are tied" and although nobody is denying that he's unstable and needs serious help or else serious consequences will occur, there's nothing they can do to help. So once again, for the umpteenth time, he's tossed back out into the world, with nowhere to live, nowhere to go, no money, no meds, and only a directive to make a few calls and get in touch with "the system" upon being dropped off in the Twin Cities. How anyone could even pretend to believe that he will follow through on ANYthing he's promised to do, when it comes to his own health at least, is completely asinine to me.

So he falls through the cracks, and I pray that he can't get his fingers around my neck and rip me through with him. Just when I'm really starting to love my life...

Sorry folks. I'll try to be in a better mood tomorrow, or the next day, or whenever I write again.

~Q~