Some ponderings on the indefinable

So I've been pondering things again. I think that perhaps this is simply part of being human - we ponder. We're looking for answers to questions that are still undefined in language, and I believe a lot of us get impatient when the answers aren't lit up for us on our own personal electronic billboard.

"Hey you -- do _______________ and you will be eternally happy."


Well - there is that giant yellow billboard on both Hwy 22 and Hwy 169 (and maybe elsewhere) that I get such a kick out of reading to whoever I'm in the car with. If you've been down either of these highways, you'll know what I mean. There, in HUGE BOLD BLOCK LETTERS is one word:

JESUS.

I'm pretty sure the period is there as well. I love to scream this one out each and every time we drive by - in my best Southern accent, no less. It generally gets everyone to laugh - once they're sure nothing bad is happening at the moment. Most people tend to think I've seen something scary on the road when I shout. Interpret as you will.

Anyway - back to my ponderings. :) I've decided that the questions we're seeking answers for are never going to be defined in any language. Language, while utterly beautiful when crafted by skilled minds, is simply unable to encompass the depth of life. How could it? There are no perfect words to describe the feeling inside when you meet someone for the first time and you've always known them. I have yet to read anything close to the feeling of peace that comes, for me at least, from deeply inhaling the breath of the trees. For that matter, language doesn't do gut-wrenching panic or fear any justice either. I used to be so frustrated with my inability to express myself, to get that damn demon inside of me OUT, I got quite literal with it and tried to cut him out. With a razor blade. Imagine the terror when, in the dead hot center of a psychotic break, I hallucinated that the demon in my stomach (where I saw him), did not seep out of the cuts I had made for his escape. I only angered him and watched as his scary little fetus-demon body thrashed around inside of me. I was completely sober. How can language encapsulate THAT experience?

How did my mother, who lived in Mankato (I was living in south Minneapolis at this time), instinctively know to call me at that exact moment? I think I was supposed to be at work. She had no reason to guess what I was in the midst of, or what the previous 24 hours had been like for me. It wasn't language that she heard, telling her that her middle child needed help. I didn't call her or send her an email. I firmly believe that she felt my terror, and instinctively she knew that I needed her immediately.

Call it God, call it Buddha, call it Allah, or Jesus or whatever you want to. Heck, call it Frank if that makes sense to you. Whatever this great energy is that runs throughout the Universe - whatever word you choose couldn't possibly contain THAT which makes us alive.

The answers to these unspoken questions, then, will also not come to us through logical, rational, clear-cut words. It's a feeling we'll have. It's an innate knowledge that the path we're on is exactly the right path. Richard Bach, whose book "The Bridge Across Forever" I poured through last night, says "there are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go." (It's the first paragraph of chapter 11, should you care to find it..)

I don't regret anything in my past. I don't resent my scars, physical or internal, and I'm not angry at anyone who has "done me wrong". I will never become a "man-hater" or a bitter person just because I've been forced to survive trauma. We all have, to some degree or another. It's part of the human experience. Anger and hatred, moral superiority, or negative self-talk or whatever hurts the soul - these things will never bring true love, peace and contentment. If I had the chance to go back and make different choices, I wouldn't. I am exactly where I need to be right at this moment, or I would not be here, learning life's lessons and nurturing my soul. And I'm quite happy to be here at this point in time.

much love,

~Q~